It's been a really difficult few weeks and we've both been struggling with our grief. During the days there are various claims on our attention.... household chores, work etc, but early evenings, when we all three used to come together in the kitchen to prepare and eat dinner, then spend the rest of the evening companionably around the fire are dark and empty, no matter how much light and sound we try to fill them with.
Bedtimes are a minefield too...all the little nightly rituals developed over almost 15 years.
A few days ago we collected Lucy's ashes from our vet. Such a small box which didn't in any way match the huge hole she has left in our lives. Also included were two tiny paw prints and several locks of her lovely, soft fur. Any slight progress we'd made over the preceding week was swept away in a tide of tears... a tsunami of grief. We will wait until spring, and a warm, sunny day, to return her to her garden, which she so loved.
We think of her, and talk about her, every day... the house is still so full of her presence with memories around every corner. At the moment I can't imagine this pain ever lessening, of being able to think of her without feeling overwhelmed with emotion. As we are in full lockdown, we are unable to see family and friends who could help us cope and bring a sense of reality and life moving on. Through all of the previous year's trials and tribulations we were our own tight, little family unit of three, and being together helped get us through. Now a vital part of our lives is missing and we're experiencing the loneliness of lockdown in a way we have never done before.
We'd like to thank everyone who has been so kind.... sent us emails and messages of support, called to let us talk, checked in on us regularly to see how we're doing. We really appreciate all of you and have found some comfort in knowing that our lovely little Lucy was so loved by so many people who never even met her.
For now we're just taking things one day at a time and hope that the coming of spring will find us in a better place.
5 comments:
I just wanted you to know that I feel sad you have been going through this time of sorrow. I loved the sentiments said in the prose you put on this webpage. It is so true that our beloved pets give us so much more than we can ever give them. To be so loved by an animal is such a blessing and a gift. I'm glad you have experienced that to the fullest, even when your grief is so deep and painful.
I've mourned so many times for my furry angels that have gone before me. I'm convinced I will have an army of pets greeting me when it is my time to join them. What a joyous reunion that will be!
May peace find you and your husband. Extra hugs to both of you.
Dear Sandra
How lovely of the vet to let you have keepsakes. I suppose the thing to do is to just keep breathing through the grief until it becomes bearable. We know it will, but the pain is raw.
On Monday, I had to have Colani put to sleep. The vet was kind enough to come to our home to do it. The dog was in pain from his hips and hadn't moved much for two days. Getting him into the car would have added to the trauma for all of us. It's the first time we've had a euthanasia at home (we've lost four of our six Danes to old age in the last 18 months) and it was so much better than I could have hoped for.
We still have the two (also becoming elderly) girls left so at least we're not bereft of canine company. Henning keeps finding photos of all the dogs who have passed and shows them to me but I can hardly bear to look at them, I'm not ready yet. We all deal with grief in our own way. Between crying jags I'm working on minis and giving the other dogs lots of cuddles.
I think what makes me extra sad is knowing that there will be no more dogs. We won't be in South Africa long enough to raise another puppy and once we move to Germany, we probably won't have room for dogs. It is the thing I will miss most.
These dark days will pass. Thank you for being a happy distraction in the Mignognette group.
Megan
Bleue... thank you so much for your kind and understanding words of comfort.
Oh Megan.... so very sorry to hear about Colani. But what a peaceful experience. Ordinarily our vet could have visited us at home, but as we are in full lockdown, the rules don't allow for home visits. I can fully empathise with your feelings of pain and loss... it's just awful I know. Take comfort in the love and companionship of your other dogs and hold them specially close. Sxx
Take as much time as you need to grieve and enjoy the happy moments that memories give to you.
Returning your precious girl to her garden sounds like the perfect expression of love.
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