I'm having the whole weekend off from the ongoing holiday wardrobe debacle and am turning my attention to our forthcoming holiday. It's still a ways off but I do like to be prepared.
My focus this weekend is swimwear, my least favourite holiday wardrobe item. If I thought I could get away with it I'd go burkini or full body wetsuit, but the prospect of looking like a beached seal has put me off.
So I'm thinking maybe full-on retro 1950s swimsuit with built in buttressing.
I've also started to plan my extensive preparative deforestation and exfoliation programme, which will take some time, hampered by the fact I can't get to all the bits which need attention. No idea why it isn't possible to go to a human jet wash service, where all the hair and dead skin is blasted off in one session, leaving skin fresh and smooth.
Then there's the matter of my winter-grey pallor. Do I opt for a lick of colour from a light touch moisturiser with a hint of a tan, or go full on batshit crazy with a fake tan? Self applied obviously.
As a teenager in the 1970s, living in Scotland, I dallied with fake tan creams and lotions, because.... Scotland. Aside from the legendary long, hot summer of 1976, you could usually only rely on maybe 3 or 4 days of sunshine in which to attempt a tan. Of course every Scot would abandon all non-essential clothing and lay out in it, getting burnt to a crisp in the process. Being Scottish, a few days later everyone looked like snakes shedding skin left, and centre. If you were lucky, your crimson hue would mitigate into an approximation of a tan which would then wash off in the coming weeks of grey skies and rain. Skin cancer wasn't even a thing back then.
These days, due to my MS, I avoid the sun, preferring to lounge in the shade so I rarely manage a tan. However, winter grey skin is very unappealing, when compared to a glowing sun-kissed look, so I will have to resort to artificial means in order to avoid the gothic vampire vibe. Thankfully, according to my research today, fake tan lotions and potions have come on in leaps and bounds since the 70s. I might give a 'hint of a tint' moisturiser a go, rather than a fake tan product. Last thing I want to do is end up looking Trumpian!
Finally, there's the thorny issue of 'shapewear. As in, should I or shouldn't I? Over the years I've dallied with shapewear in all its guises. I've even blogged about it. I did a quick search just now and was dismayed to discover I've written about it a total of six times.
SIX TIMES!
If you're interested, and have half an hour to spare, you can read all of them HERE
Think of them as The Shapewear Chronicles. I can't guarantee you'll learn anything from my extensive research but it might make you think twice before entering the arena. Anyway, I was listening to Women's Hour on the radio in the car earlier, and there was a piece about a new craze in shapewear.
Wait for it.....
Big bum knickers!!!
Honestly. Knickers that make your Bum. Look. Bigger.
Big bums are in fashion. Who knew? Obviously, when I got home, I Googled it and they are, indeed, A Thing.
But it doesn't stop there.... no by no nonny no. As if having a gargantuan bum isn't enough, you can also have 'enhanced' saddlebag thighs!
Back in the day I believe these were called 'fat suits' and being swathed in pounds of padding doesn't sound like the most comfortable form of underwear but what do I know?
The current craze for a Brazilian Butt Lift obviously has a lot to answer for but it's gratifying to know that I don't need surgery or padded knickers to achieve 'The Look!'
Result!
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