The sorry dearth of posts this past month is due to a lot of stuff going on... pretty much none of it good.
The latest comedy of errors involved me falling straight down from standing on the sofa, trying to put up some Christmas decorations. PP was out at a diabetic course and I was home alone and aiming to totally Christmasfy the house. I'd been doing quite well too, until I took it into my daft head to stand on the sofa. I don't remember exactly what happened, except I'd turned to get down for some sellotape and the next thing I knew I was literally screaming in agony on the floor, from searing pain in my foot. After what seemed like an age, I managed to calm down, then crawled through into the study to retrieve my phone and haul myself up onto my office chair on wheels. Knowing that I wouldn't be able to drive, as I was 100% sure I'd broken my right foot, I arranged for PP's sister to pick her up from her class, swallowed some heavy duty painkillers and waited it out till she got home.
That was 10 days ago and to cut a long story short, I'm now still wearing a huge Frankenstein's monster boot waiting for what turned out to be a badly sprained foot to heal.
Anyhoo, that sorry tale is not the point of this post. Back in the autumn, while still delerious from the after effects of Covid, I took it into my daft head (this seems to be a recurring theme) to re-decorate our sitting room, which was last done 11 years ago.
Over several weeks, we wallpapered and panelled one wall, and painted the other three. I painstakingly hacked the beach pebbles off the fireplace over the course of a whole month, and replaced the pebbles with little white tiles. It's lain, ungrouted, since mid-November, but with Christmas just around the corner, and house guests arriving on Christmas Eve, I decided this morning that I was just going to get on and grout the bugger.
Big boot and all!
And so I lay our scene.....
Scene 1
Sandra starts laying out dust sheets and newspapers around the fireplace. This takes some time as she is wearing a huge boot and can only move slowly, taking care not to fall over yet again.
PP: (Perfectionist Partner... for it is she) * enquiringly* Sandra. What ARE you doing?
Me: *flatly* I'm going to grout the fireplace. It should only take an hour.
PP: * flabberghastedly* WHAT? That's ridiculous! Leave it till after Christmas. Honestly, nobody will notice.
Me: * determinedly* I will notice. It's been like that for weeks now and I just want it done.
PP: *resignedly* Oh well, if you're sure.
Scene 2
In the kitchen, Sandra stands by the sink, surrounded by kitchen untensils. She is bashing something in a bucket, muttering all the while.
PP: *carefully* What are you doing?
Me: *frenziedly* It's got lumps in it. The sodding grout. It's lumpy. And it's too thin.
PP: *quietly* Okaaaayyyy.
She peers in the bucket.
PP: *enquiringly* Is that my potato masher?
Me: *defiantly* Yes. Yes it is. I need to get the lumps out. Is it a problem?
Sandra returns to forcefully wielding the masher in the bucket of slop.
PP: *calmingly* No. Not at all. It's not my favourite masher.
PP quietly retires... gently closing the door.
Scene 3
Sandra is kneeling awkwardly on the floor, her big boot messing with her balance. She's covered in grout from fingertips to elbows and is using a grout float to spread the still lumpy slurry over the tiles.
PP: *cheerily* How's it going? It looks amazing!
Me: *witheringly* No it bloody doesn't look amazing. It looks a %#!*ing mess! It's still too thin AND lumpy and I've put more powder in and strained it through the sieve and....
PP: *interrupting* The sieve. The kitchen sieve?
Me: *glaringly: Yes the sodding kitchen sieve!!!
She turns to look forlornly at the fireplace, as the lumpy sludgy liquid oozes out from between the tiles and forms a gloopy puddle on the hearth.
PP: *gettting ready to make a run for it* Is now a good time to tell you all the bits you've missed?
The curtain falls on bedlam...
No comments:
Post a Comment