Actually that's not, strictly speaking true. I've given up the search for the perfect wedding outfit, because none such exists.
If I'm going to be scrupulously honest, the search continues for the barely acceptable wedding outfit and I'm fast losing the will to live.
Let's face it. I am never going to pull off the traditional dress and jacket with matching shoes, handbag and hat.
I'm thinking..... don't even THINK about going traditional. The lovely bride is going to be absolutely, radiantly beautiful but 'traditional' she is not. I think I owe it to her to fly the flag for the slightly 'out there'. A little bit 'Oooh'. A little bit 'Ahhhh'.
I have a jacket.
It's NOT traditional.
When PP saw it she sort of coughed, and choked a little bit and had to have a sit down. As a result I haven't shown it to anyone else, except the bride who declared it "wicked". I've decided I'm not going to show it to anyone else either as I don't want to have to deal with other people's hyperventilating panic attacks.
Today, we tried a double-pronged attack to try to get the rest of my outfit and I now have two pairs of trousers from which to choose, plus a top, plus a pair of shoes on order.
I've also seen a kick-arse necklace and bracelet combo which I may or may not have.
Now it's down to underwear. I've dallied with 'shapewear' before, most notably in THIS POST and you'd think I'd have learnt my lesson.
Apparently shapewear has moved on since February 2010. There's now the Firm Control Sleek and Slim Thigh Slimmer.
I have several problems with this. Lack of punctuation in the description could mean that it's specifically for people with slim thighs. In fact the illustration bears that out. The model has the thighs of a gazelle, not the mention the tummy and waist of a 5 year old. If anyone doesn't need a Firm Control Sleek and Slim Thigh Slimmer it's her.
Then there's the Firm Control Anti-Cellulite Waist and Thigh Cincher, which claims to give you 'an hourglass figure, ensuring you feel your most confident'.
Personally, I find that a little bit scary. If I wanted to go diving with sharks it would be fine, but I'm only going to a wedding so it seems like overkill.
It gets better.
There's the Ultimate Magic Slimvisible (can you see what they did there?) Waist Cincher, which claims to incorporate Magic technology, giving total body definition, shaping your tummy, waist and bottom with the flexibility of wearing your own bra.' Apparently it comes with the added benefits that 'It's comfortable, breathable and EASY TO MOVE AROUND IN while the special finish keeps you cool and dry.'
I don't even know where to start with that one. Firstly, I have a slight issue with the word 'Magic'. Surely the Trades Description Act must be all over that like a rash. OK, so it's going 'magically' make me 'slimvisible'?
Moving swiftly on, it's going to tame my tummy, waist and bottom, but IT'S EASY TO MOVE AROUND IN. I sort of expected that would be a given. I don't want to look like a skelf if can only stand rooted to the spot for the duration.
Also, the whole 'cool and dry' thing is a little bit unsettling. It never occurred to me that wearing it would make me hot and moist. Am I missing something here?
But mostly it just looks vaguely medical.
Like a truss.
So that's out then.
I'm tending to favour these...... the Firm Control Sheer and Opaque Waist Cincher Knickers.
However if they can give me a bum like this I'm prepared to suspend disbelief......