Hooked on crochet....

I’m now on the home stretch on my second ever crochet project,  a Janie Crow Persian Tiles blanket in the wonderfully colourful Easter Jewels colourway.  I’ve finished all the octagons (YES OCTAGONS!) and the squares and have just a few of the triangles to go, before I can sew it together and add the border. 

I laid it out on the floor to see what it looks like so far....

Hmmm….OK, so maybe not totally on the home straight but at least I’ve finished the octagons and they only took 6 months and aged me 10 years.   Also maybe jumping straight from a simple granny square blanket to an objectively batshit crazily complicated pattern wasn’t such a bright idea. However, I’ve stuck at it and the end is finally in sight.  At this point in my crochet career, I feel I can legitimately share my experience on the subject, so here goes…..

YouTube tutorials are the way to go.  Most creators produce tutorials to accompany their patterns and these are invaluable, especially to novice crocheters.  I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve rewatched tricky sections from my current project until it makes sense.  Eventually I can manage with just the pattern and I find that my grasp of new stitches is much improved.

Hooks - When I first learnt to crochet I bought a set of generic hooks from Amazon.  The handles felt sort of tacky and really hurt my hand after a while.  The head constantly split the yarn.  But the worst thing… the very worst thing was the yarn squeak, screech and shudder.  I constantly washed my hands and cleaned the shaft of the hook, to no avail.  The squeaks continued.  However, following extensive research,  I spent an unconscionable amount of money on a single Clover Amour hook.   You know that thing in films, when the heroine prevails and the clouds part to reveal a sunlit sky and choirs of angels sing Hallelujah?  It was just like that.  Soooooo smooth, no squeaking, no split yarn, no hand strain.   OK, so they cost the equivalent of the GNP of an emergent nation but in my unbiased view they’re 100% worth it.

Terminology - For any craft or skill, the novice must learn the language. I was already fluent in knitting and naively assumed that crochet would be in the same linguistic family…. like French and Italian.  How wrong was I?  It was more like the difference between binary code and Azerbaijani.  It doesn’t help that there are two versions… UK and US.  Two countries divided by a common language.  I have to say I much prefer UK notation, which makes more sense.  This means that if I’m using a pattern written in US I have to painstakingly convert it into UK.  Luckily though, I’ve discovered Crochet Translate, which is very similar to Google Translate but much better.

HA!  Only joking. No such wonder exists, although for the life of me I can’t imagine why.    However, for those of us who are linguistically challenged, there is a nifty alternative.  The crochet chart, which is a series of lines, dashes and squiggles, which makes even less sense than the written word.  I honestly have no clue about these.

Moving swiftly on….

Counting. Apparently this is vital in crochet.  Crochet stitches are sneaky little buggers and very easy to loose track of.  You can go ‘old school’ and use a notepad and pencil, or high-ish tech and use a nifty wee ring counter which slips over your finger. Of course you have to remember to press the button after each stitch or row, which is often the downfall of novice crocheters. *cough*

However, whichever method you use,  when you're halfway through a lengthy count I can guarantee that someone will talk to you, maybe ask you if you've put the bin down, or where's the TV remote. despite being warned to stfu please be quiet from the get go. In this case I would plead justifiable homicide.

Yarn.  Thus far I’ve only used Stylecraft Special DK, which is readily available in all corners of the globe in a veritable cornucopia of colours.  120 all told!  If you ask me that’s way too many colours but what do I know. Other yarns are available, both synthetic and natural from cheap and cheerful to eye-wateringly expensive.  If you keep goats, sheep, alpacas or angoras you will have access to many different types.

If you have yarn, it follows that you will need storage.  This is a whole sub-section of crochetingness and Pinterest is awash with all manner of stylish, innovative storage solutions, from the common or garden organza bag, through vacuum seal bags, to bespoke wall-to-wall cubbies.  My thought is that the really committed crocheter should have access to a multi-dimensional portal, similar to a Black Hole, which could hold your entire stash.  This is clearly the holy grail of yarn storage and I shall never be persuaded otherwise.

WIP.  I was wholly ignorant of this until a fellow hooker enlightened me.  It stands for WorkS  In Progress.  Notice, WORKS…. PLURAL.  Apparently, no hooker worth her salt ever has just one project on the go.  What are you even thinking?!  Starting a solitary piece and seeing it all the way through to the end without repetition, hesitation or deviation?!?  That’s just downright crazy stuff. 

I’m an outlier here, because I prefer to work on one project at time.  There are several reasons for this.

1.      I’ve graduated to a more difficult pattern and it’s as much as I can do to remember what to do from one section to the next, let alone one whole pattern to the next!

2.     I’m the Queen of Procrastination and if I had three or more projects on the go I would never complete any of them. 

3.     It’s not a cheap hobby, and having to buy multiple yarn packs in quick succession would bankrupt me.

BUT…. I think I’ve found the reason why hookers have multiple projects on the go at any one  time. Hear me out…..

Ends.  I have very strong opinions on these.  Ok, so here’s the thing.  I sew in each and every end as I go along.  WHOA!  More crazy stuff?  My first crochet project was a granny square blanket, made up from 100 squares, plus a border.  Each square had 6 different colours.  Let’s do the maths.  That’s 12 ends per square, 1,200 ends in total.  That’s a very lot of ends.  As far I can tell, many crocheters can’t be arsed bothered with sewing in ends as they go along, so they end up having to do 1200 when all the squares are finished.  So, the do the sensible thing and quietly put them all aside then start on the next thing.

AM I RIGHT THOUGH?

Because I slavishly followed the instructions for my first blanket, I adhered to the designer’s exhortations to ALWAYS SEW IN YOUR ENDS AS YOU GO.  As a result, it’s now ingrained in me.  I actually find it strangely calming and  cathartic.  Loose ends offend me and I sew them in at every colour change.  It literally takes a few seconds and results in such neat work as I go along.  I realise I’m probably an outlier here too but I’ll never understand why anyone would want to tackle hundreds of them all at the same time.  Who’s the crazy one?

Accessories.  Wahoo!!!  This is where we can ALL  go completely batshit crazy.  Here was me thinking a hook, yarn, darning needle, notebook and pencil were sufficient.  Pah, pish and tush.   We need tension rings, stitch counters, blocking boards, blocking tiles, blocking combs, mini steamers, travel totes, yarn swatch pegs, clips, project planners, pattern folders…. plus an unlimited source of funds.  If you live with a significant other of the miserly persuasion you also need a diploma in creative accounting.

Tension.  I’m not talking here about the kind which permeates the room whenever you mention the word ‘crochet’.  Nor am I referring to the sort which is created by addressing a particularly difficult pattern, which causes a vice-like grip, clawed hands and clenched teeth.

Whole screeds have been written about crochet tension and from what I can gather it’s pretty much impossible to produce absolutely consistent tension throughout a project.  Apparently it can be influenced by factors as random as the way you sit, or your mood.  For example if you feel stressed you’re more likely to crochet tightly, which makes your stitches smaller.  By that measure my octagons should be microscopic! In my complete novice days, I purchased a tension ring, in the vain hope that it would miraculously sort my tension woes.  Spoiler…. It didn’t.  However, I’ve found a fairly failsafe way to do so.

Wine.  Ok, so it doesn’t necessarily improve your crochet tension, but frankly my dears, you won’t give a damn.