It has come to Small Dog's attention that Felix, the station cat at Huddersfield has had a promotion to Senior Pest Controller, a position which comes with a uniform and name badge.
What follows is a rough transcript of our 'discussion' this morning.
SD: *belligerently* I will be goen on stryk unles mai deemands ar met.
Me: And good morning to you too. What demands?
SD: Ai deemand a speshul yewniform AND a naim baj.
Me: Hmmm. Duly noted. Anyway, you're management. Management can't go on strike.
SD: Who sais?
Me: It's obvious. Managers can't join unions. Only members of the work force.
SD: Thatts bolox. Ai am entytld to withholed my labur if ai hav a ligitimitt greevans.
Me. Hmmm. I could take issue with the whole 'witholding of labour' thing, seeing as you don't actually do anything.
SD: How VERI DAYR YUE! Ai amm a wurkhors. Evin when ai am haven a napp my brane is churnen with ideeyas. Ai amm totallie a ideeyas dog.
Me: *sigh* You'll be telling me next that you completely espouse the struggle of the proletarian working classes against their evil masters who strive to subjugate them through the attrition of endless labour.
SD. *emphatically* Ecksaktlie.
*looking doubtful* Probablie.
Eniwai, this isent abowt wurk, its abowt mai kondishuns of emploimint.
Me: I don't recall you signing a contract of employment, so in fact.....
SD: *interrupting, shoutily* AI AMM HEDD OF MARKITTEN AND KOMEWNIKASHUN!!!! Ai deserv a yewniform AND a naim baj.
Me: Look. I hear what you're saying. You want recognition commensurate with your status within the management structure. I totally get it.
SD: Ar yue taken the pis?
Me: Heaven forbid. No, I do agree with you. In fact, I've had our Design Director draw up a sample of the style of uniform which we feel best suits your undoubted creative flair and chutzpah.
SD: *suspiciously* Hootspa. Is thatt gude?
Me: It's excellent. Allow me to present.... your new uniform!
Me: Look! It's got a hat and everything! Plus your name and job title initials embroidered onto the fabric. Tassels. Pom-poms. And the colours really suit you. What's not to like?
SD: *defeated* Ai am kompleetlie waistid in this plais. *muttr, laffen stok, grumbl, industryal trybewnul, growl, konstruktiv dismisil...... *