Industrial relations.......

Despite being a 'no show' at this month's Tower House Dolls management meeting, our erstwhile 'Hedd of Markitten and Komewnikashun' also known as Small Dog, is on the warpath and threatening industrial action.

The spurious reason for this?

It has come to Small Dog's attention that Felix, the station cat at Huddersfield has had a promotion to Senior Pest Controller, a position which comes with a uniform and name badge.

What follows is a rough transcript of our 'discussion' this morning.

SD: *belligerently* I will be goen on stryk unles mai deemands ar met.

Me: And good morning to you too.  What demands?

SD:  Ai deemand a speshul yewniform AND a naim baj.

Me:  Hmmm.  Duly noted.  Anyway, you're management.  Management can't go on strike.

SD:  Who sais?

Me:  It's obvious.  Managers can't join unions.  Only members of the work force.

SD: Thatts bolox.  Ai am entytld to withholed my labur if ai hav a ligitimitt greevans.

Me.  Hmmm.  I could take issue with the whole 'witholding of labour' thing, seeing as you don't actually do anything.

SD:  How VERI DAYR YUE!  Ai amm a wurkhors.  Evin when ai am haven a napp my brane is churnen with ideeyas.  Ai amm totallie a ideeyas dog.

Me: *sigh*  You'll be telling me next that you completely espouse the struggle of the proletarian working classes against their evil masters who strive to subjugate them through the attrition of endless labour.

SD. *emphatically* Ecksaktlie. 
*looking doubtful* Probablie.  
Eniwai, this isent abowt wurk, its abowt mai kondishuns of emploimint.  

Me:  I don't recall you signing a contract of employment, so in fact.....

SD: *interrupting, shoutily*  AI AMM HEDD OF MARKITTEN AND KOMEWNIKASHUN!!!! Ai deserv a yewniform AND a naim baj.

Me: Look.  I hear what you're saying.  You want recognition commensurate with your status within the management structure.  I totally get it.

SD: Ar yue taken the pis?

Me:  Heaven forbid.  No, I do agree with you.  In fact, I've had our Design Director draw up a sample of the style of uniform which we feel best suits your undoubted creative flair and chutzpah.

SD: *suspiciously*  Hootspa.  Is thatt gude?

Me: It's excellent.  Allow me to present.... your new uniform!

SD: *speechless*

Me: Look!  It's got a hat and everything!  Plus your name and job title initials embroidered onto the fabric.  Tassels.  Pom-poms. And the colours really suit you.  What's not to like?

SD: *defeated* Ai am kompleetlie waistid in this plais.  *muttr, laffen stok, grumbl, industryal trybewnul, growl, konstruktiv dismisil...... *