Sunday, 14 February 2016

Puppy love.........

Scene: Early morning. Daylight, but only just.  My slumbers are interrupted by the sudden arrival of four small, pointy feet, planted firmly on my chest.

Me: *blearily* Urghblergh.... whatshappnin?

Small Dog: *brightly* Happi Vallintyns Dai!!!!!

Me: *sleepily* Oh for dog's sake!  What time is it?........errmm, happy Valentine's Day Small Dog.

A pause, during which I feel her stare boring into me.

Me: *cautiously opening one eye*  Yes?

SD: *flirtatiously*  Kissy kiss?

Me: *involuntarily recoiling from the onslaught of dog breath*  Errm. No, you're alright.

SD moves her paws so that they're strategically placed on points of maximum pain.

Me: If you could see your way clear to removing your stiletto heels from my solar plexus I'd be much obliged.

SD settles down beside me and I slip back to sleep. After a few minutes she puts her Cold Wet Nose on my shoulder, jerking me into wakefulness.

Me: *testily* What?

SD: *oblivious* So, whott ar we doen todai?  Wokk along the seefrunt.  Gude sniffens?

Me: *vainly attempting to reset my snooze button*  Hmm... yes.  Probably.

SD: *settling herself comfortably into the hollow of my arm*  Ai eckspekt weer haven a speshul dinnur tonite.  Whott with itt beein Vallintyns Dai and evrithing.

Me: *non committally*  Mmmmmm.

SD:  *hopefully* Stake.  Ar wee haven stake?

Me: *barely conscious* Mmmmmm.

Deft application of Cold Wet Nose shocks me into wakefulness.

Me: Wossat?

SD:*ponderously*  Stake.  Ar. Wee. Haven. Stake?

Me: *resignedly* Yes.  Yes we're having steak.

SD: *warming to her theme*  Ah... ai thott so.   Shattowbreeyond?  Pheelaymeengnong?

Me:  Sirloin

SD: *taken aback*  Sirrloyn?  Knott evin fillit?  Sirrloyn?

Me: It was on special in Tesco.

SD: *witheringly* On speshul in Teskoe?  Hardlie Foretnum and Maisun is itt?

Me: Beggars can't be choosers.  The trouble with you Small Dog, is that you have champagne tastes on an Irn-Bru budget.

Silence...... during which I slip back to sleep.

SD: *hopefully*  Soss?

Me: *sigh* Pardon?

SD: *doggedly* Soss.  Ar wee haven soss with the stake?  As yue kno ai amm a bitt of a goormond and ai do liek a nise soss.  

Me: *wide awake now*  Is that right?

SD: *elaborating* Ho yuss.  Ai am a dogg of dissernen taist.  So this soss..... Dyeanne?  Bernyais?  Bloo Cheez?  Redd wyn?  Joo?

Me: *yawning* Peppercorn actually.

SD: *dubiously* Peppurkorn?  Duz it hav bitts in itt?

Me: I'll give you three guesses.

SD: Yore knott taken this seeryuslie ar yue?

Me: *bowing to the inevitable* Well, thank you Small Dog.  I am now wide awake at not quite stupid o'clock.  I suppose I might as well get up.

SD: *settling down in my warm spot in the bed.... yawning* mite hav a littul nap.  Waik me upp when itts tym fore brekkfast.

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