Scene: Early morning. Daylight, but only just. My slumbers are interrupted by the sudden arrival of four small, pointy feet, planted firmly on my chest.
Me: *blearily* Urghblergh.... whatshappnin?
Small Dog: *brightly* Happi Vallintyns Dai!!!!!
Me: *sleepily* Oh for dog's sake! What time is it?........errmm, happy Valentine's Day Small Dog.
A pause, during which I feel her stare boring into me.
Me: *cautiously opening one eye* Yes?
SD: *flirtatiously* Kissy kiss?
Me: *involuntarily recoiling from the onslaught of dog breath* Errm. No, you're alright.
SD moves her paws so that they're strategically placed on points of maximum pain.
Me: If you could see your way clear to removing your stiletto heels from my solar plexus I'd be much obliged.
SD settles down beside me and I slip back to sleep. After a few minutes she puts her Cold Wet Nose on my shoulder, jerking me into wakefulness.
Me: *testily* What?
SD: *oblivious* So, whott ar we doen todai? Wokk along the seefrunt. Gude sniffens?
Me: *vainly attempting to reset my snooze button* Hmm... yes. Probably.
SD: *settling herself comfortably into the hollow of my arm* Ai eckspekt weer haven a speshul dinnur tonite. Whott with itt beein Vallintyns Dai and evrithing.
Me: *non committally* Mmmmmm.
SD: *hopefully* Stake. Ar wee haven stake?
Me: *barely conscious* Mmmmmm.
Deft application of Cold Wet Nose shocks me into wakefulness.
SD:*ponderously* Stake. Ar. Wee. Haven. Stake?
Me: *resignedly* Yes. Yes we're having steak.
SD: *warming to her theme* Ah... ai thott so. Shattowbreeyond? Pheelaymeengnong?
SD: *taken aback* Sirrloyn? Knott evin fillit? Sirrloyn?
Me: It was on special in Tesco.
SD: *witheringly* On speshul in Teskoe? Hardlie Foretnum and Maisun is itt?
Me: Beggars can't be choosers. The trouble with you Small Dog, is that you have champagne tastes on an Irn-Bru budget.
Silence...... during which I slip back to sleep.
SD: *hopefully* Soss?
Me: *sigh* Pardon?
SD: *doggedly* Soss. Ar wee haven soss with the stake? As yue kno ai amm a bitt of a goormond and ai do liek a nise soss.
Me: *wide awake now* Is that right?
SD: *elaborating* Ho yuss. Ai am a dogg of dissernen taist. So this soss..... Dyeanne? Bernyais? Bloo Cheez? Redd wyn? Joo?
Me: *yawning* Peppercorn actually.
SD: *dubiously* Peppurkorn? Duz it hav bitts in itt?
Me: I'll give you three guesses.
SD: Yore knott taken this seeryuslie ar yue?
Me: *bowing to the inevitable* Well, thank you Small Dog. I am now wide awake at not quite stupid o'clock. I suppose I might as well get up.
SD: *settling down in my warm spot in the bed.... yawning* Acktewlie.....ai mite hav a littul nap. Waik me upp when itts tym fore brekkfast.