Scene: The bedroom last night as I get ready to go out to the first dinner of the festive season. My clothes are laid out on the bed and I'm girding my loins to do battle with 'shapewear'
Small Dog nonchalantly strolls into the room and without breaking stride leaps up onto the bed and takes up pole position on my pillow.
Small Dog: *startled* Whoah murm... yure knott waren that pinck soot tonite ar yue. Ai doant thinc it soots you... itts strainjlie tite yet baggie att the saim tym.
Me: *sharply* Enough SD. I'm in no mood for flippant comments. I have to get these Magic Knickers on.
SD: *leans forward.... fascinated* Majick Nikkurs? Whott do thai do?
Me: *patiently* They're shapewear SD. Special underwear which will make me look slimmer and sleeker.... smoothing out lumps and bumps, giving me a scintillating silhouette.
SD: *incredulously* Murm!!!! Thai mite me majick butt thayr knott bluddie mirakuluss!!!
Me:*witheringly* When I want your opinion SD I'll ask for it.
A silent battle ensues, while I struggle valiantly to pull the Magic Knickers up over my knees.
SD: *sitting up and leaning forward to get a better view* Thay do seam kwite tite murm. Ar yue shure thair the rite sighs?
Me: *breathlessly* Yes they're fine. I just need to get them up over my hips and I'll be fine. They're spandex and meant to be tight.
SD: *frowning* Spanndecks? Yure goen a bitt red. Ai thinc yue shude sitt down.
Me: *puffing* No I'm OK. Nearly there. I think they must have shrunk a bit.
SD: *diplomatically* Yess. Ai eckspekt thai hav a virus....sum sort of shrincken virus. Liek moast of the kloaths in yure wordroab.
Me: *triumphantly* Phew... done it! There.... see! Slim and sleek.
SD: *unconvinced* Hmmmmm. Shude thai starrt undur yore arms?
Me: *emphatically* YES. They're SHAPEWEAR! They are sculpting my body from ribcage to thighs. Now if you don't mind I have to finish getting ready.
SD: *airily* Wel... eniwai. Ai hav the ansurr to yore kweshtun.
Me: *suspiciously* What question......?
SD: *triumphantly* Yue kno... the qweshtun whitsch has playged womminkynd sins tym imemoryal. "Dus mai bumm luke bigg in this?"
SD exits in haste, pursued by a hairbrush.