Sunday, 6 April 2014

Shop till you drop..... Part 2

You might remember that back in March we had an all-out assault on wedding clothes shopping!

The search continues for the perfect wedding outfit.

Actually that's not, strictly speaking true.  I've given up the search for the perfect wedding outfit, because none such exists.

If I'm going to be scrupulously honest, the search continues for the barely acceptable wedding outfit and I'm fast losing the will to live.

Let's face it.  I am never going to pull off the traditional dress and jacket with matching shoes, handbag and hat.  


I'm thinking..... don't even THINK about going traditional.  The lovely bride is going to be absolutely, radiantly beautiful but 'traditional' she is not.  I think I owe it to her to fly the flag for the slightly 'out there'.  A little bit 'Oooh'.  A little bit 'Ahhhh'.


I have a jacket.  

It's NOT traditional.  

When PP saw it she sort of coughed, and choked a little bit and had to have a sit down.  As a result I haven't shown it to anyone else, except the bride who declared it "wicked". I've decided I'm not going to show it to anyone else either as I don't want to have to deal with other people's hyperventilating panic attacks.

Today, we tried a double-pronged attack to try to get the rest of my outfit and I now have two pairs of trousers from which to choose, plus a top, plus a pair of shoes on order.

I've also seen a kick-arse necklace and bracelet combo which I may or may not have.


Now it's down to underwear.  I've dallied with 'shapewear' before, most notably in THIS POST and you'd think I'd have learnt my lesson.

But no.

Apparently shapewear has moved on since February 2010.  There's now the Firm Control Sleek and Slim Thigh Slimmer.

I have several problems with this.  Lack of punctuation in the description could mean that it's specifically for people with slim thighs.  In fact the illustration bears that out.  The model has the thighs of a gazelle, not the mention the tummy and waist of a 5 year old.  If anyone doesn't need a Firm Control Sleek and Slim Thigh Slimmer it's her.

Then there's the Firm Control Anti-Cellulite Waist and Thigh Cincher, which claims to give you 'an hourglass figure, ensuring you feel your most confident'.

Personally, I find that a little bit scary.  If I wanted to go diving with sharks it would be fine, but I'm only going to a wedding so it seems like overkill.

But wait.

It gets better.

There's the Ultimate Magic Slimvisible (can you see what they did there?) Waist Cincher, which claims to incorporate Magic technology, giving total body definition, shaping your tummy, waist and bottom with the flexibility of wearing your own bra.'  Apparently it comes with the added benefits that 'It's comfortable, breathable and EASY TO MOVE AROUND IN while the special finish keeps you cool and dry.'

I don't even know where to start with that one.  Firstly, I have a slight issue with the word 'Magic'.  Surely the Trades Description Act must be all over that like a rash.  OK, so it's going 'magically' make me 'slimvisible'?


Moving swiftly on, it's going to tame my tummy, waist and bottom, but IT'S EASY TO MOVE AROUND IN.  I sort of expected that would be a given.  I don't want to look like a skelf if can only stand rooted to the spot for the duration.

Also, the whole 'cool and dry' thing is a little bit unsettling.  It never occurred to me that wearing it would make me hot and moist.  Am I missing something here?

But mostly it just looks vaguely medical.

Like a truss.

So that's out then.

I'm tending to favour these...... the Firm Control Sheer and Opaque Waist Cincher Knickers.

No mention of Magic, or 'slimvisible.  And I love the fact they've called them Knickers.   Even though they don't remotely resemble anything I'd ever think of as 'knickers'.

However if they can give me a bum like this I'm prepared to suspend disbelief......

Edit:  For those of a less than nervous disposition, Part 1 of the wedding outfit saga can be read HERE!  Don't say you weren't warned.....


Susan said...

No wonder I looked like a chintz armchair at my daughters wedding - it was the lack of Slimvisible.....

Best of luck with the search for unmentionables. I think you'll be the belle of the ball in your wicked jacket!

KT Miniatures said...

Hi have given me such a laugh this Monday morning! Well do let us know if whichever shapey thingy you end up buying actually works...I have a wedding to go to in a few weeks too!

will we be seeing photos of you in your secret wedding outfit and um....your shapey thingy? Celia

debbie's mini thoughts and creations said...

I had the same problem last year for my son's wedding, I got some hold it in, strangulating flab knickers and how uncomfortable was they, as soon as I could I whipped them off, don,t panic I did put another pr of knickers on) it also took me ages to buy my outfit, good luck with your quest and would love to see what you eventually brought

Janice said...

Oh Sandra, you have really made my evening. Those bloody under thingies are an absolute joke aren't they. If they are so good why do they use a size 10 model ?

I say wear what makes you feel loud and proud on what is your special day too..

Jackie Williams said...

Thank you Sandra for the best out loud laugh I have had for ages. With my flabby figure I don't think even a 'slimvisible' would do the slightest bit of good! Anyway am dying to see the 'wicked' jacket and if you and the bride like it where's the problem? Hope you have a greta time at the wedding...........

Jackie Williams said...

Hi again Sandra. I may have some useful info about your duff computer. It is a fact of life, unfortunately, that ANY customer support department is an endless, labyrinthine loop of misery and desolation. HOWEVER under customer consumer protection laws, if the item is not more than 6 months old then the fault is assumed to have been present from point of sale and it's up to the retailer to prove otherwise. (I know cos my newish 5 month old TV went blooey yesterday and I spent some time having an interesting chat with very helpful Trading Standards.) SO worry not about the manufacturer. Talk to the retailer and point out they are legally obliged to repair or replace it post haste and if they don't feel so inclined then perhaps they would like to talk to Trading Standards. The other course of action I have found most helpful in the past with a recalcitrant shopkeeper is to take the offending item into their shop on a crowded Saturday and announce in a loud voice that it is a load of rubbish. It's amazing what response that will get (in my case a brand new item).