Arachnophobia....

I did a bit more tidying up on the patio this morning... sweeping up leaves, stacking some kindling in the log store, in keeping with my gentle programme of short, low impact sessions.

I was carefully stacking the final few bits of twigs when I caught sight of a movement out of the corner of my eye, just level with my head.   It was, of course, a spider.  The log store is alive with them.

But not just any spider.  It was ENORMOUS!  Involuntarily I stepped back, stumbled over the bag and when I looked back it had gone.

Warily, I continued my stacking, alert for any movement amongst the twigs.  Then I spotted it again, on the other side.  So it was cunningly deploying a flanking manoeuvre, hoping to take me by surprise.  We surveyed each other for an uncomfortably long period of time but eventually I decided caution was the better part of valour, and retired from the field of conflict.  I carefully replaced the front cover and beat a hasty, but dignified retreat, back indoors. 

Scene: Sandra sits at her laptop, scouring Pinterest for ideas to further update the patio seating  area.  Small Dog slowly materialises and sits alertly on her lap.

Me: *joyfully* Oh, hello SD.  Am I pleased to see YOU?

SD: *nonchalantly* Yess.... ai eckspekt yue ar!  Aive kum to soooth yue aftr thatt unplessint inkouwnter with the spydr.

Me: *shuddering* Thank you so much SD.  Yes, that was definitely unpleasant.

SD: *warming to her theme* Ai doant liek them eethur.  Nastie skuttlen things with altoogethr too meny legs.  Ai had a veri trawmatick eckspeeriens with wun too.

Me:*carefully* Hmmm.... I remember.  You sniffed one up your nose when you were just a tiny puppy and were very wary of them forever after.

SD:*eyes narrowed* Thay yewst to go in my barskit sumtyms too.  

Me:*consolingly* Well, whenever that happened we'd get them out for you. 

SD: *probingly* So.... whot ar yue goen to doo abowt itt?

Me: *perplexedly* Do?  About what?

SD: *patiently* The spydr off korse.  Yue need to gett it owt of the logstoar.

Me:*clearing throat* Ah.  Well.  That's the thing SD.  There won't just be one.  I expect there's dozens... hundreds maybe.  They all live in there.  I can't possibly get all of them out.

SD: *aghast* WHOTT?  Yure jusst goen to leeve them aloan.  ORL of them???

Me:*steadily* I suppose so.  It's fine if they just stay in there and mind their own business. 

SD:*steelily* Ai kannot bileev mai eers.  Thay will orl be meer inshes awai from yue when yure sitten owt ther.  Wotshin yue with ther bazillyun tinie ais.

Me:*uncomfortably* Hmmm.  Yes.  Well.  That's as maybe SD. But I can assure you I am most definitely NOT hunting around in the log store for spiders.  Besides, they catch bugs and mosquitoes....   *trailing off* 

SD: *triumphantly*  Hah!!! And werint yue komplaynen abowt them billding webbs insyd the gazzeebow.  And orl the remayns of ther vicktims droppen down on yure luvlie throws and kooshuns.   Knott to menshun SPYDR POO!!!  Yue kneed to akt!

Me:*startled* Blimey SD.  Well yes, if you put it like that.  I was thinking of just cleaning all the webs away and keeping the roof clear all summer.  Perhaps I need a Plan B.

SD:*confidently* Ai doant thinck bees wil helpp.  Hav yue konsidderd a lizzard?  Orr a kameelyon?  Eniwai.... aill leev it with yue.  Ai hav to go naow.  See yue agen sune.....

SD gradually fades away, leaving Sandra to ponder on her words.  And set about making a plan of action......

Two phobias for the price of one...!