The hoarder next door....

For the past few days, all of my makeover projects have been in abeyance as we have friends coming over for dinner and a sleepover therefore the state of the house has become an urgent priority.

The main issue is the dining room, which, as always, has performed the function of storage unit for the past few months, containing...

• Spare stuff from when we sold our little caravan.
• Spare stuff from when we bought the campervan.
• Spare stuff from when I sold my workroom storage units.
• All the stuff needed for the downstairs cloakroom makeover.
• All the stuff we can't usually find a place for but which can't be got rid of.
• Literally, the new kitchen sink which arrived in a massive, hulking, great box.

I don't know if you ever watch The Hoarder Next Door on TV.  Any time I've seen it I've smugly thought to myself that at least we don't have any rooms in the house which are THAT bad.   However, to my endless mortification, I have to admit, that recently, the dining room has reached those proportions.

I know I'm prone to exaggeration for comic effect but honestly, I couldn't even bear to look at it.  Admittedly I did go in there a few times (well, just inside the door) to assess the scale of the project, and moved a few things around in a desultory fashion.... a bit like stirring a very chunky soup.... but within a short time I simply lost the will to live and beat a hasty retreat, closing the door firmly behind me.

However, with guests coming, I had no choice.  If we were to dine in the actual dining room then I had to just knuckle down and get on with it. 

Scene:  Door of the dining room.  Sandra is preparing to attempt an assault on the South Col of the dining room, a risky and dangerous mission to reach the summit via the glacial tabletop and treacherous north face of the Box Mountain.  As she fastens her crampons, adjusts her goggles and tests her safety rope, as small furry presence materialises at her feet.

Me:*briskly* Oh, hello SD.  I was hoping you'd appear!

SD: *incredulously*  MUMMMM.... whot AR yue doen?!

Me:*limbering up* I have to tidy the dining room.  We've got friends coming to dinner.

SD:*disbelievingly* Kant yue eet owtside?  Ai meen.... just LUKE att it!

Me:*stretching hamstrings* 'Fraid not... weather forecast isn't good so we need the dining room.

SD: *splutteringly* Butt.... itts goen too taik yue aijes.  Posiblie munths.  Ther kude be ENITHING hiden in thair.

Me: *stretching triceps* Well, yes.  I expect there'll be spiders.  There are always spiders.  

SD: *forcefully* Spydurs ar the veri leest of itt.  Aim thinken tygrs!  Lyons! Woolvs!

Me: *hesitantly* Oh don't exaggerate SD. There's no way there could be anything like that in there.

SD:*raised eyebrow*

Me:*falteringly* That's just silly.  Isn't it?  I mean, there couldn't be anything really dangerous, could there?

SD:*placatingly* Probablie knott.  Orl aim sayen is a elifant kude hyde in thair and yude nevir kno.

Me:*appraisingly* Well.... yes, now that you mention it. There is an awful lot of stuff.  Perhaps I'm not adequately prepared for such an undertaking.  Maybe I'll have a think about it and make a start tomorrow.

SD:*encouragingly* Ecksillint eyedeer.  Ai thinc yue shude go and hav a larj geeantee and relacks.  

Me:*gratefully* What a good plan SD.  I honestly don't know what I'd do without your support and sage counsel.

SD smiles and gradually fades away....