Sunday, 26 November 2017

Staffing problems.....

Scene: I'm in the workroom, struggling with a tricky bit of formatting for my book.  I gradually become aware that I'm being watched......

Small Dog: *hesitantly*  Errr..... muurm.  Ai knead to tokk to yue abowt sumthen impoartint.
Me*distractedly*  I'm a bit busy at the moment.  Do you know anything about kerning?
SD: *firmly* No mumm.  Kan yue stopp that a minutt.
Me: *sighing* OK SD.  What is it.
SD: *carefully*  Rite.  Yue kno how things ar chainjen neckst yeer.  Well... ai hav to tell yue that ai wil bea reetyrin from Towr Hows Dols.
Me: *unfazed* OK.  And that will make a difference how?
SD:  *vehemently*  MUUUUURRRRMMMM.  Ai am Hedd of Markitten and Komewnikashun.  Ai doant evin kno how yue wil koap withowt me!!!!
Me: *stoically*  I expect I'll manage.
SD: *dismissively* Hmmmmphh.  Wel.  Eniwai.  Ai kneed mai penshun fourkast.
Me: ???????  Pension forecast?  You're expecting me to pay you a pension?  When you retire?
SD: *emphatically*  Wel off korse!  Iff ai reetyr on mai barkday, whitsh as yue kno is April 4th, ai wil be 84 in hewman yeers.  AITTIE FORE!  Off korse ai eckspekt a penshun.
Me: *diplomatically* Hmmm....I can see where you're coming from SD, and yes, I am sure we will hold a special ceremony to commemorate your MANY years of sterling service and ....
SD: *interrupting* Ther is kno kneed to be sarkastick.
Me: No SD.  We will obviously want to mark the contribution you've made.  All those hours of napping in the office.  All those fatuous remarks about the quality of the biscuits during management meetings. All that harping on about the merits of 'Dog Eared Dolls'.....
SD: *irascibly*  Wel if thats yore atittewd ai mite as wel.....
Me:*placatingly*  Oh, I'm sorry SD. I was only pulling your leg.  You have been a valued member of the THD team and your input has always been *desperately searching for the right word*..... interesting.  I'm sure we'll have a whip round in the office and get you a retirement present...
SD: *perking up*  Pressint?  
Me:  Yes..... I believe it's traditional to give a retiring employee a clock.
SD:*witheringly* A klok.   A KLOK!  
Me: I'm joking SD.   Blimey, where's your sense of humour?
SD:*unconvinced* Veri funnie.  
Me: *conciliatory* OK.... as far as your pension's concerned.  How about we increase your walks, treats and strokings by 20%
SD:*suspiciously*  Twentie purrscent.  Iss thatt gude?  
Me: *reassuringly* Absolutely SD.  Plus you can have a new bed and blankie as your retirement present.
SD: *encouragingly* A nue blankie?  *hopefully* Kashmeer?
Me:  Don't overplay your paw SD. 


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