Saturday, 27 May 2017

Mistress of all she surveys......

We've all felt a bit peely-wally this week after succuming to a bout of spring norovirus.  Even Small Dog has been pale and wan, eschewing several of her breakfast and dinners and taking herself off to bed early.

So a bit of impetus on the house stuff has been lost, although I have been sewing stuff other than bunting.

Inevitably though, we've all been feeling a bit meh.  So in an odd 10 minutes the other day I clicked through to do an online survey.

One Poll surveys are usually quite quick and quirky, and this one was no exception.

It was about pets, and having discovered that we have a dog the first few questions followed a well-trodden path, asking her age, what breed she is and so on, but by Q9 things took an unexpected turn

I sensed a small, furry presence beside me, and looked down to find Small Dog, looking at me appraisingly.

Me:  Ah.  You're here.
SD:*enigmatically*  Yes

SD:  (having managed to jump onto my lap, all the better to see it with)  So.... ai kude have a twittur and instergram paij too?
Me: Well... yes.  But FB is the best platform for you.

SD regards me sceptically, eyebrows raised.

SD *triumphantly* Do yue remembur the dai that mai paij gott moar lieks than Towr Hows Dols?
Me: Yes.  Yes I do.  
SD: We hadd a manijmint meeten abowt itt.  Yue wudent lett me hav a selfy stik.
Me: No.  No we wouldn't.  And let that be an end to the matter.

SD:Thai do liek to rubb it in...doant thay?
Me: It's only a survey SD.
SD: Ah yess... butt itts orl abowt the zytgiste tho.... 
Me: *non-commitally* Hmmmm....

SD: *incredulously*  Ai kannot evin bileev itt!  
Me:*defensively* Yes... well... I don't always have the time to post on your page.  
SD *accusingly*  Harrumph

SD: Ai shude thinc so too

SD: *mollified* Ah yes.... rumpstake.  Mai faivorit.  Ai must addmitt... birthdais ar kwite gude.

SD: *glances up to the right of my chair* 

SD: *incredulously*  In a HANDBAG?!
Me: *laughing* SD... you sound just like Lady Bracknell!
SD: *witheringly* Ai due KNOTT sownd liek Laidee Barknell.

Me:*warningly* This is all hypothetical SD.  
SD:*ecstatically* O. Mai. Dogg!!!!  Ai kude be yure brydsmayd AND Besst Dog.  Plus ai kude karry the rings in mai fathefull jaws.
Me: *brusquely* Not going to happen SD.  As I said.  Hypothetical.

SD: *emphatically*  Ai am glad yue sed that.  As yue kno I konsider marrij to be a patriarkl konstrukt deesined for the subjewgashun of women.
Me: Absolutely SD! 

SD:*disdainfully* Ai do, of korse, kneed a kote for bad wethur.  The tootoo was a stepp to farr thoe.....

Me:*placatingly* It was an embellishment to your WASPI costume.  You looked lovely in it on the Day of Action.  Everyone said so.  Plus you were helping to raise awareness of the foul calumny perpetrated on your mothers in respect of the appalling injustice surrounding moving the state pension goalposts for women born in the 1950s.
SD: Ah.  Well.  Yes.  In that kais.  Kno problemo.

SD: *emphatically* Well yes... off korse! 

SD: *nodding*  Kwite rite too.  I hait shoppen.  Plus thay poot barbykew twice.

SD: *sniffily*  Ai am SHURE ai hav moar than 11-15 tois.  Yue keap hyden them in my akkewtriments baskit.  Espeshallie the skweekie wuns.
Me: You would get bored with the same toys all the time.  Anyway... you mostly just run and hide them up the garden then forget about them.

SD: *accusingly*  Whie did yue knott tik orl of them?
Me: SMALL DOG!!!  You hate water, I hate bungalows, you DO have a personal heater as nobody can get near the woodburner when you lie in front of it AND you had a dog flap and refused point blank to use it.  End. Of.
SD: *moodily* Suppoas so.......

SD: *scornfully*  THATT is a stewpid kweshtun!  
Me: We are in complete agreement on that, SD.
SD: Ai am mutsch moar lieklie to byte yue if ai DOANT hav enuff attenshun.
Me: *lovingly*  SD.... that will NEVER happen.


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